Sometimes You Just Have To

Sometimes You Just Have To

… shake it off.  A special thanks to  Momlifewithchiari for nominating me for the ‘Three Day Lyrical Challenge’!  Her blog is all things parenting, DIY, nails, memes and living with chronic pain.  I have always enjoyed listening to music and find it therapeutic in some cases.  And also, because Monday.

The Rules Are Simple:

1. Thank the person who nominated you.

2. Share one of your favorite song/lyrics one at a time for three days.

3. Nominate three other bloggers each day.  (If you read this please consider yourself nominated)

The Song/Lyrics I Want To Share With You Today Is:

Taylor Swift – Shake It Off

This song manages to put a smile on my face when I need to remember not to sweat the small stuff, or even the big stuff that’s just not worth it.  We only have so much energy in a day, put it to good use on the things that really matter.  Whether it’s that one family member that knows how to work your last nerve or a rough day on the job remember to keep your eye on the prize – and by all means, when you get a moment:  shake it off.

 

 

I stay out too late, got nothin’ in my brain
That’s what people say, mmm hmm, that’s what people say, mmm hmm
I go on too many dates, but I can’t make ’em stay
At least that’s what people say mmm mmm, that’s what people say mmm mmm
But I keep cruising, can’t stop, won’t stop moving
It’s like I got this music in my mind, sayin’ gonna be alright
‘Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake
I shake it off, I shake it off
Heartbreakers gonna break, break, break, break, break
And the fakers gonna fake, fake, fake, fake, fake
Baby, I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake
I shake it off, I shake it off
I’ll never miss a beat, I’m lightning on my feet
And that’s what they don’t see mmm mmm, that’s what they don’t see mmm mmm
I’m dancing on my own (dancing on my own), I’ll make the moves up as I go (moves up as I go)
And that’s what they don’t know mmm mmm, that’s what they don’t know mmm mmm
But I keep cruising, can’t stop, won’t stop grooving
It’s like I got this music in my mind saying it’s gonna be alright
‘Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake
I shake it off, I shake it off
Heartbreakers gonna break, break, break, break, break
And the fakers gonna fake, fake, fake, fake, fake
Baby, I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake
I shake it off, I shake it off
I shake it off, I shake it off
I, I shake it off, I shake it off
I, I shake it off, I shake it off
I, I shake it off, I shake it off
Hey, hey, hey
Just think while you’ve been getting down and out about the liars and the dirty, dirty cheats in the world
You could have been getting down to this sick beat
My ex-man brought his new girlfriend
She’s like “oh my God”, but I’m just gonna shake it
And to the fella over there with the hella good hair
Won’t you come on over, baby, we can shake, shake, shake, yeah oh
‘Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate (haters gonna hate me)
Baby, I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake
I shake it off, I shake it off
Heartbreakers gonna break, break, break, break, break
And the fakers gonna fake, fake, fake, fake, fake (the fakers baby)
Baby, I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake
I shake it off, I shake it off
I shake it off, I shake it off
I, I shake it off, I shake it off
I, I shake it off, I shake it off
I, I shake it off, I shake it off
I shake it off, I shake it off
I, I shake it off, I shake it off
I, I shake it off, I shake it off
I, I shake it off, I shake it off
My Husband

My Husband

I wish this was a light-hearted post but it’s not for the faint of heart.

I have suspected for a while now that my husband has Borderline Personality Disorder, on top of being a narcissist. Before I get too deep into this I want to clarify that I am NOT an expert in Psychology but I know how people deserve (and don’t deserve) to be treated. There is something very wrong with him and I don’t feel safe at all. In fact, I fear for my kids’ safety every day. Here’s why:

He’s always right

When he’s having an “episode” he will bring things up that are no where near relevant of why he initially said he’s upset. I get screamed and yelled at (in front of my kids) without being able to get a word in edgewise because he will tell me he doesn’t care what I say and that the conversation is over. Then he tells me I never listen to him and that his only intent is to spread wisdom.

He doesn’t listen

The last time I tried to get in a word during his verbal attack (again, in front of my children) he continued to speak over me. He happened to hear when I said that he doesn’t let me talk and said that I should go talk to someone who will let me talk then. Any time I “have the floor” he patronizes me with “yup, yea, uh-huh, that’s what you think, you have it all figured out” after every pause I make. If I were to do that to him, he’d probably cave my face in. Zero respect.

He doesn’t trust me

He flat out told me tonight he doesn’t trust me. That I have layers and that I’m very secretive. I don’t know if he specifically doesn’t trust me at work or if he just doesn’t trust me at all. Who knows? He says one thing but really means another half the time. Apparently, I was living with someone when we met – not true, but that’s what he feels is real so there’s no arguing it.

He has threatened to separate our children

I still have the barrage of text messages he sent me while I was at work a couple of months ago. They are vile. They go on for over an hour in which he told me he is done with everything and that he would take D and I could keep Baby A. I was so mentally affected by this I had to leave work in the middle of the day and came home. I told him he needed help and he laughed at me.

He doesn’t care about my emotions

I told him I needed to talk to him after he changed D’s diaper and he told me he didn’t want to talk to me in my state. Yes, my voice cracked because I was halfway choking on my own sobs. I asked him what he meant by “state”, and he said he didn’t feel like listening to me whimper. Before this he told me he didn’t care that I was crying, that it doesn’t affect him at all. He’s actually hung up the phone on me when I’ve become emotional, several times.

He hates me

In the past he has been an amazing, loving, supportive husband. I miss that person. Tonight he told me I have let myself go and that I don’t want to be with him because I don’t take pride in my outward appearance. He brought up the fact that I should be open to having more sex now that I’m on birth control. (I miscarried our surprise baby last month.) Every other week he tells me I need to lose weight and I made myself believe it was coming from a good place. He tells me point blank that I’m a shitty wife on a regular basis – but he likes me enough have sex with me.

It comes out of nowhere

This is what makes it so painful. The rage – or whatever it is – comes from nowhere. I had just gotten off of the phone with him not even 4 minutes ago and this is how he came home. A completely different person.

Sometimes I think he’s looking for an out. Other times I pray he’ll change/get better – he never does. I convince myself that he can’t help it but it seems very intentional. We can go weeks, even months without an argument but when it happens it’s horrible. It’s affecting my own mental health. I know I’m depressed, who wouldn’t be? I honestly don’t think he loves me anymore.

He knows I have this blog and I hope he reads this. Then again, it doesn’t matter because he doesn’t accept there’s anything wrong with him.

Get to Know Four Jordans

Get to Know Four Jordans

First and foremost:  a special thank you to Ana at for this tag.  She is slowly but surely making sure I get out of my shell.  Please check out her blog!

get to know me

The Questions:

1 What does your name mean?

Four Jordans – I chose Four Jordans because we are a family of four and our last name is Jordan.  We are a tightly knit crew and greatly rely on one another, like a wolf pack.

2. Are you scared of heights?

Yup, don’t know how I made it as a roller coaster enthusiast for most of my childhood.  In all fairness, I think it’s hereditary.

3. What is your best physical feature?

Um, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  That being said I have to disclose my hair is what initially drew my husband to me.  Like a moth to a flame. ::raucous laughter::

4. What is your favorite Music Genre?

I don’t even know anymore.  I like anything that puts or keeps me in a good mood.

5. Are you a good cook?

Not intentionally.  I don’t measure anything and hope for the best.  My greatest accomplishment every year is the Thanksgiving turkey and subsequent sides/desserts.  Still trying to master the sweet potato pie.

6. What is your favorite Ice-cream flavor?

I stay away from ice cream as much as possible so I don’t know the name of this particular flavor.  It’s essentially chocolate with brownie bits in it.  The last time I had it I was pregnant with my oldest so I was basically eating it straight out of the pint because hormones.

8. What is your favorite festival?

None that I can recall.  The few I have been to have been overwhelming for me.

7. Do you have any allergies?

Not that I know of.  There are certain people who make my eye twitch or my eczema flare up, does that count?

9. Which of your parents do you look like?

My dad.  I basically look like a younger, slightly rounder version of him with a wig on.  I only display my moms DNA in that I’m shorter than average.

10. Who is your favorite Musician?

My husband. I love it when he sings. As far as professional singers, I enjoy Miguel, SZA and Kendrick Lamar. They’re in my top ten at least.

Hope you all enjoy this post!
Be kind and stay positive!
– Four Jordans 💛
Splash pad

Splash pad

It’s hot in Texas, ridiculously hot. Sometimes the only relief I can offer my kids from the boredom of staying indoors is a trip to a park with a splash pad. It distracts them for a while and D has an especially good time being the water bug he is. That doesn’t mean I can let my guard down though.

On our last visit a little boy about five years old approached D. He wanted the toy my son had in his hand. D didn’t really have an interest in playing or sharing so he guarded his toy and kept running away from the boy. Frustrated, the boy told his mother that D had his toy. My anxiety went through the roof. How do I diffuse this situation and tell this boy’s mother he’s lying? Before I was able to stand up another mom spoke out and said, “No, that’s his toy. He’s been playing with it this whole time.”

Crisis averted. The mom that spoke up was cool, calm and collected. She had been watching also. Why had I not been able to muster up the same confidence as quickly as she did?

The kids continued to play and finally the little boy asked my son what his name was. D didn’t make eye contact and kept playing by himself, from the outside it looked like my son did not hear him but I knew he did. Again the boy approached, asked and did not get a response. After the fourth time he went and got his mother. If you have read my post When Other Moms Are Rude you’ll understand why I gave them their space. (Long story short: D and I were callously rejected at a park when I tried to explain he had autism and could not speak.)

She got down to her son’s eye level and told him to ask again nicely. At this point I got up and walked toward them. I told them his name and explained that he could not yet respond because he has autism. I wasn’t ready for the response I got though. Her jaw dropped and she said, “Oh! I’m so sorry! I had no idea!” I just said, “it’s ok” and walked back to my seat in the shade. Her response felt a bit much, at the most I expected an acknowledgment like “oh ok”. Instead I felt awkward because in her mind autism warranted over-sympathy. I really wanted to tell her that it’s just a word that means he learns differently than other children, but I didn’t.

Did I really have to?

When I see or meet other families with children on the spectrum I acknowledge them first with an understanding smile. It’s a silent camaraderie. If we happen to strike up a conversation – great! If not, it’s perfectly fine. We have our hands full as it is, worrying about having a coherent exchange is at the bottom of our list of priorities. We know our struggles are different but at the root of it all are our children, bound by the same diagnosis.

Liebster Award

Liebster Award

The Liebster Award – 3

The Liebster Award

Thanks to all things

What The Award Is:

The Liebster is an award that is given to bloggers by other bloggers. Liebster in German means sweetest, kindest, nicest, dearest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing, and welcome.

Questions:

1. Who is your favorite author?

I have a few but Harper Lee is in my top three.  It goes without saying To Kill A Mockingbird is STILL one of my favorite books.  Her writing is so fluid I get a clear picture of every paragraph in my mind.  The way she tied in her themes and subject matter was flawless.

2. If you could recommend this busy mama a book that is worth the read, which would it be?

The Five People You Meet In Heaven by Mitch Albom.  Another one in my top three.  I think it’s a beautiful story about the impact people have on our lives.

3. When was the last time you did something for yourself?

I managed to get a pedicure last month. The polish has started to chip off but I’m wearing what’s left of it on my toes loud and proud in sandals.

4. If you could only choose one, what would be the one quality you look for in a friend?

Honesty. In all respects, it’s the most important quality anyone could have. Being able to recognize and tell the truth about everything, even themselves seems to be difficult for most people.

5. How would you like to be remembered?

This one is tough. Every time I begin to answer it I feel like I’m writing my own eulogy. If I had to put it into words: I wish to be remembered as a mother who loved her children. Who tried her best to instill values and morals so that they could be their best selves. A loving wife who gave her all to her marriage. And lastly a daughter and sister who loved her family.

Our Nanny

Our Nanny

We have never really been a fan of babysitters.  In fact, all of our previous experiences with sitters have all been negative.  Since D is no longer in school we ran into a scheduling issue that forced us to look for a nanny.  (I am using the terms babysitter/sitter/nanny sporadically because I honestly don’t know the difference at this point.)  We registered on care.com and got a couple of hits, but of course the sitters we felt were qualified were not available during the hours we needed or were looking for something full-time.  We got a promising hit just in time, we met her, introduced her to the kids and she has been with us for a couple of weeks now.  I don’t really have any complaints, which is rare for me.

A couple of days ago she told me she was seeking treatment in an out-of-state center for mental illness and would not be able to care for our children past a certain date.  I was immediately conflicted.  I was glad she was trying to take care of herself and find help.  On the other hand, I wanted to ask how come she didn’t disclose this information when we first met her.  It took me a minute to get my bearings and tell her we wish her the best, after all she had been great with my kids up until this point.

I couldn’t stop myself from thinking of the nanny who harmed the two children in her care in New York.  Were there no warning signs?  Should I rethink letting her to continue to care for our children in the meantime?  We don’t have any other options as far as childcare.

We have an incredibly hard time finding sitters we feel comfortable caring for our children and if I’m being honest I feel maybe she should have been more upfront about this in her interview/profile/application.  In a way I almost feel like it’s none of my business but doesn’t it become my business when she comes into our home to care for our children?

Keep Trying – Quote 3

Keep Trying – Quote 3

“I have not failed.  I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”  -Thomas A. Edison

This is one of my favorite quotes because why not?  I have felt like this more than I can remember.  The message behind it so poignant – don’t give up.  It is a great pick-me-up for when I feel I have given it my all.  It doesn’t allow me to succumb to failure.

There have been times I have felt like giving up but figured I could try one more time. As a fighter jet maintainer it was this dogged approach that helped me troubleshoot. Personally, I felt it made me a better maintainer because it forced me to learn.

When it comes to parenting, same thing. My husband and I learned more by trial and error than reading a book. Our success wasn’t always immediate but that wasn’t the point, we kept trying. When they couldn’t breathe in the middle of the night because of the congestion, when they were colicky, when they had diarrhea, when they were teething, when they were so tired they cried and cried, when they had the worst diaper rash – we survived it because we didn’t give up, as parents we couldn’t.