My Husband

I wish this was a light-hearted post but it’s not for the faint of heart.

I have suspected for a while now that my husband has Borderline Personality Disorder, on top of being a narcissist. Before I get too deep into this I want to clarify that I am NOT an expert in Psychology but I know how people deserve (and don’t deserve) to be treated. There is something very wrong with him and I don’t feel safe at all. In fact, I fear for my kids’ safety every day. Here’s why:

He’s always right

When he’s having an “episode” he will bring things up that are no where near relevant of why he initially said he’s upset. I get screamed and yelled at (in front of my kids) without being able to get a word in edgewise because he will tell me he doesn’t care what I say and that the conversation is over. Then he tells me I never listen to him and that his only intent is to spread wisdom.

He doesn’t listen

The last time I tried to get in a word during his verbal attack (again, in front of my children) he continued to speak over me. He happened to hear when I said that he doesn’t let me talk and said that I should go talk to someone who will let me talk then. Any time I “have the floor” he patronizes me with “yup, yea, uh-huh, that’s what you think, you have it all figured out” after every pause I make. If I were to do that to him, he’d probably cave my face in. Zero respect.

He doesn’t trust me

He flat out told me tonight he doesn’t trust me. That I have layers and that I’m very secretive. I don’t know if he specifically doesn’t trust me at work or if he just doesn’t trust me at all. Who knows? He says one thing but really means another half the time. Apparently, I was living with someone when we met – not true, but that’s what he feels is real so there’s no arguing it.

He has threatened to separate our children

I still have the barrage of text messages he sent me while I was at work a couple of months ago. They are vile. They go on for over an hour in which he told me he is done with everything and that he would take D and I could keep Baby A. I was so mentally affected by this I had to leave work in the middle of the day and came home. I told him he needed help and he laughed at me.

He doesn’t care about my emotions

I told him I needed to talk to him after he changed D’s diaper and he told me he didn’t want to talk to me in my state. Yes, my voice cracked because I was halfway choking on my own sobs. I asked him what he meant by “state”, and he said he didn’t feel like listening to me whimper. Before this he told me he didn’t care that I was crying, that it doesn’t affect him at all. He’s actually hung up the phone on me when I’ve become emotional, several times.

He hates me

In the past he has been an amazing, loving, supportive husband. I miss that person. Tonight he told me I have let myself go and that I don’t want to be with him because I don’t take pride in my outward appearance. He brought up the fact that I should be open to having more sex now that I’m on birth control. (I miscarried our surprise baby last month.) Every other week he tells me I need to lose weight and I made myself believe it was coming from a good place. He tells me point blank that I’m a shitty wife on a regular basis – but he likes me enough have sex with me.

It comes out of nowhere

This is what makes it so painful. The rage – or whatever it is – comes from nowhere. I had just gotten off of the phone with him not even 4 minutes ago and this is how he came home. A completely different person.

Sometimes I think he’s looking for an out. Other times I pray he’ll change/get better – he never does. I convince myself that he can’t help it but it seems very intentional. We can go weeks, even months without an argument but when it happens it’s horrible. It’s affecting my own mental health. I know I’m depressed, who wouldn’t be? I honestly don’t think he loves me anymore.

He knows I have this blog and I hope he reads this. Then again, it doesn’t matter because he doesn’t accept there’s anything wrong with him.

10 thoughts on “My Husband

  1. I’m so sorry about the miscarriage. Prayers to you and for strength. Please speak to someone close to you about what’s going on at home, so that they can help you. Don’t try carrying this on your own. And don’t try to think that no one cares, that you don’t want to be a burden, or that you can handle this. Find someone close to you, a friend, your church, family, anyone. Many hugs. 🙏🏽

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for the kind words A. I am working on getting in touch with a mental health professional that works with my insurance. It’s almost easier to talk to a stranger than with someone I know – there’s such a huge level of shame that comes with being in this situation.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I know, but the good news is that you’re not alone. Yes, get in touch with your insurance! That’s a great idea. I see my therapist every two weeks for anxiety and agoraphobia. It’s been going so well. There’s a negative stigma associated with mental health, but it’s happening everyday. We need help in how to control things and behaviors that are taking over us. You’re doing the right thing by taking action. 😊

        Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for taking the time to read this post Spectrums. I think revealing this while maintaining a level of anonymity is a good first step. Like I replied to A above, I’m working on contacting a therapist because I need to be intact to raise my kids – alone, if necessary.

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  2. This post breaks my heart and I wish I could come and give you a great big hug. Please know that I am sending my prayers your way. I am so sorry for the loss of your baby and my hope is that you can find someone to talk to. Does your community have a woman’s shelter? Would that be something you can look into? You could take your children and find a safe haven while you figure this whole thing out. The shelter could also hook you up with the services and professionals that can help you work through your situation. My thoughts and prayers are with you ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I very much appreciate your comment Cooking. I have not looked into a women’s shelter here. I want to try to talk to a therapist first to see if I can start documenting what I go through. I have to be mentally and emotionally well to care for them and I think this is a good starting point. Thank you again.

      Liked by 1 person

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